After reading a sentence in yesterday’s New York Times, I realized that the venerable news organization might provide a fertile ground for examples of unintelligible writing.

So, for the next few weeks I will take examples from some of my favorite “heady,” “intellectual” information sources and show you how you could rewrite them so someone might actually understand them, and might even be persuaded by them. And, in marketing, isn’t it all about persuasion?

The sentence came from an article entitled: U.S. Saw a Path to Qaeda Chiefs Before Bombing, by Mark Mazzetti, in January 5’s New York Times. The opening of the article basically said that last week’s suicide bomber had been thought to be a promising informant for our government. So here it is:

“American intelligence officials said Tuesday they had been so hopeful about what the Jordanian might deliver during a meeting with C.I.A. officials last Wednesday at a remote base in Khost that top officials at the agency and the White House had been informed that the gathering would take place.” (more…)